No 9, Frankenstein

THOSE mad scientists at football sponsor Castrol have been working in their labs playing God to stitch together the ultimate athlete.
And after analysing more than 2,000 players from Europe’s top five leagues, the insane creation – made up of 10 top players’ best bits – was this week unveiled by Ivory Coast manager Sven “Igor-an” Eriksson.
With combined attributes worth more than £270m, the fictional footballer boasts –
● Peter Crouch’s towering height
● Xavi’s eyes and vision
● Paolo Maldini’s resolute chin
● Michael Ballack’s ample chest
● Rory Delap’s shot-putting arms
● Julio Cesar’s velcro hands
● Christiano Ronaldo’s gazelle legs
● Lionel Messi’s deadly left foot
● Thierry Henry’s slightly less deadly right foot
● and, er, Carles Puyol’s flowing hair
Now surely Puyol’s hair gives him no advantage on the pitch – if anything, it’d get in the way.
Nevertheless, praise has been heaped on the hypothetical footballer.
Eriksson said: “I’ve been lucky enough to work with many of the world’s best footballers in my career, but this truly is the Ultimate Performing Player.”
And Ronaldo said: “I am very proud that my legs have been included here because all players know that the legs are so important to our game.”