Jon Walters, more like Jon LOLters

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IF STOKE’S Jon Walters tried to kick himself over yesterday’s unbelievable performance vs Chelsea, he’d probably miss.
Despite plenty of hustle during the match, the Potters forward managed to cram more fail into one match than I’ve seen in a long time.
He kicked off proceedings with a classic footballing comedy move – the attempting-to-hoof-the-ball-clear-and-hitting-yourself-in-the-face.
Then followed not one but two rocket headers into his own net – notching up more goals for Chelsea in 2013 than Fernando Torres has managed in the process.
And after Stoke went two more goals down, Walters managed to win a penalty for the chance of both a personal and team consolation – but he hammered the spotkick square onto the bar, capping a miserable day.
Walters, for services to comedy, Goaltastic salutes you.

Torres hailed as “amazing” – at defending

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RAFA Benitez has hailed Chelsea striker Fernando Torres as “amazing” – at defending corners.
Interim Blues boss Benitez attempted to deflect more criticism of Torres’s form in front of goal – resorting to applauding the £50m man’s contribution at defending corners.
“It’s not just scoring goals,” Benitez said. “We changed his position in corners, for example.
“If you analyse the corners against, he was amazing.
“Two or three times he’s cleared the ball and afterwards was just doing man to man because it’s what he had to do.
“So, he’s helping the team, in this case to defend.”
Yet Goaltastic can’t see him slipping into John Terry’s shoes any time soon…

Have your say in the Goaltastic 2011/2012 Season Survey

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HAS anyone in the world outgunned Lionel Messi this year?
Is David Silva the best player in the Premier League?
Has Fernando Torres stunk out the beautiful game this year?
Has anyone been more entertaining than Mario Balotelli?
Goaltastic wants to know.
If you have a minute, and I promise it won’t take longer, then fill out our anonymous reader survey here –
Results will be published in due course…

West Ham tried to borrow Torres and Tevez

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LAST January’s rather uninspiring transfer window – hardly set alight by big name moves by the likes of Gary Cahill and Bobby Zamora – could have seen world renowned strikers Carlos Tevez and Fernando Torres on the move.
Because cheeky Championship club West Ham lodged loan bids with Chelsea and Manchester City for both the struggling strikers.
The pair – who cost an estimated combined £97m last time they moved clubs – could have been joined in attack for the Hammers for free, had both bids not been unsuprisingly rejected.
“We had two irons in the fire. If we’d pulled one off it would have been exciting but it wasn’t to be,” said co-chairman David Gold.

Goaltastic’s posts of the year 2011

WITH the New Year approaching faster than a Gareth Bale counter-attack, I believe the time is right to recap Goaltastic’s best blogs of 2011.
And when I say best, I mean most read.
In reverse order, they are…
10 – Manchester City signing Clichy once cheated death.
9 – My hilarious Fernando Torres April Fools post
8 – “Rooney, Rooney, Rooney”
7 – Roman Abramovich gets his chopper out
6 – Suarez signing excitement
5 – Manchester United to sign favourite son’s son
4 – Massive boobs story nets huge internet traffic spike shocker
3 – Boring Nasri to sign for Manchester City announcement
2 – Macheda accidentally confirmed the Sneijder deal which never actually happened
1 – The greatest football rumour of the year bar none. Seriously, this never gets old.
Happy New Year!

Hip hip hooray, it’s Transfer Deadline Day

WALLETS at the ready, chairmen – today is Transfer Deadline Day.
Last time around, we learnt that hulking forward Andy Carroll is worth £35m, and that Fernando Torres is more exciting in a helicopter than on a football pitch.
In total, in January 2011, £225m was spent by Premier League clubs alone – and today could set to match that once more, with the rumour mill already in overdrive.
It’s going to be an interesting day…

Gerrard is football’s top gay icon

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GAY men have voted Liverpool beefcake Steven Gerrard the “hottest player” in the Premier League.
The Liverpool and England midfielder topped the table in a poll of 4,200 users of gay dating website
The survey, which asked men to rank players in categories such as “best legs” and “worst haircuts”, found Chelsea dreamboat Fernando Torres in second place and another Chelsea hunk, Frank Lampard, in third.
Spurs frontman Peter Crouch polled last in the survey – aiming to tackle homophobia in the sport.
Simon Johnson, product manager for, said: “It is shocking is that so many gay men aren’t going to football matches because they’re worried about their safety due to homophobia within the sport.”