Dutch celebrate in style

IS THIS how to get ahead on the terraces?
Holland fans can don supporter shirts, bearing images of top strikers like Robin Van Persie which can be pulled over the wearer’s head, this Summer.
The shirts have been created for the Dutch Football Federation by advertising boffins at Willem de Kooning Acadamie – almost as stylish as crudely draping a flag from your top floor window, eh England fans?

Striker takes aim at Loughborough ball

A STRIKER has taken aim at the World Cup ball blasted by a number of goalkeepers.
Jabulani, the roundest ball ever developed for South Africa in Loughborough labs, was first criticised by French keeper Hugo Lloris, then American Marcus Hahnemann and Brazilian Julio Cesar.
Now Italy forward Giampaolo Pazzini says the World Cup ball is a “disaster, both for goalkeepers and attackers”.
He said: “It moves so much and makes it difficult to control.
“You jump up to head a cross and suddenly the ball will move and you miss it.
“It is especially bad for the goalkeepers if it means they concede a goal because they can’t judge the trajectory.
“It is like one of those balls you buy at the supermarket.”

Argentinians up for the cup

SAUCY Argentina boss Diego Maradona has given permission for his side to score freely during the World Cup – by allowing them to get their kit off in South Africa.
Instead of restricting access to WAGs like England manager Fabio Capello, the South Americans have gone the Romario route and said slap and tickle is allowed, as long as the players don’t have to do all the work.
Team Doctor Donato Villani said: “Sex is a normal part of social life and is not a problem.
“The disadvantages are when it is with someone who is not a stable partner or when the player should be resting.
“It is important the action should not reverberate in the legs of the players.”

Loughborough ball gets a bashing

THE Jabulani ball developed in Loughborough for the World Cup has been blasted by more top keepers.
Already branded a “disaster” by French goalie Hugo Lloris, Brazil’s Julio Cesar and American Marcus Hahnemann have both spoken out about the ball.
Cesar said: “It’s terrible, horrible. It’s like one of those balls you buy in the supermarket.
“The danger for goalkeepers is when they come off their line. They need to stay in a safe place otherwise the ball will drop behind them and into the goal.”
Hahnemann said: “It’s the worst soccer ball I’ve ever played with. It’s plastic. It moves like crazy. It swerves.
“It’s kind of like one of those plastic balls kids play with at the beach. You can’t tell what it’s going to do. It sucks.”

Becks heads back?

IN TODAY’S transfer talk, a return to the Premiership could be on the cards for David Beckham.
Goldenballs is a target for West Ham, say the papers – which Goaltastic commends.
Despite his limitations, such as being unable to actually run anymore, Beckham and his “Quarterback” style is almost timeless – he could carry on with that ball-crossing, free kick-bending, 40-yard-passing role for 10 more years.
Plus, with all the talk of top talent like Steven Gerrard and Cesc Fabregas being lured to La Liga by giants Real Madrid and Barcelona, it’s nice to see some household names coming in.

Romarioh, oh, oh!

NOOKIE bans are a well-established way of getting the best out of a sportsman – and with a near-total WAG ban in force during the World Cup, the England team look unlikely to be scoring freely this Summer.
But regular romps may not be the drain they’re supposed to be.
During the 1994 World Cup, Brazilian striker Romario claims to have slept with at least three women a day, and he notched five goals on the way to a World Cup winner’s medal and the tournament’s Golden Ball award.
He said: “I’m like any Brazilian – I like women and I like to go out and enjoy myself, which is why people can identify with me.
“The night has always been my friend. When I go out I feel good, then I always score goals.”
Now that’s what Goaltastic calls a prolific scorer.

The meaning of WAG

ENGLAND captain Rio Ferdinand’s other half Rebecca Ellison is a reluctant WAG.
However with the World Cup steaming towards us like a runaway carnival float, the reluctant WAG is set to be thrust into the limelight as England’s “top WAG” in South Africa.
And according to reports, the ex-accountant, who has two youngsters with the defender, has been begging Coleen Rooney for advice.
It all begs the question, what exactly should a good WAG do?
Well, in 2006, as WAG to captain David Beckham, Posh Spice threw a celebrity-studded send-off ball for the team at their “Beckinham Palace” home.
Goaltastic is waiting for its invite, Rebecca.

Watch this and you’ll flip

EVERYONE loves a bit of invention – and I defy anyone to watch this clip and not try it next time they have a ball at their feet.
I did and had to ask my next-door neighbours for my ball back please.
The innovative way of catching a defence napping comes from a 1970 match between Coventry City and Everton.

Full Moonchester factfile

A FEW days ago, Goaltastic suggested that Zakumi, the official mascot of South Africa 2010, was in line for a big money move to Manchester City – a role ably filled at present by Moonchester.
These rumours have yet to be verified by official club sources or either mascot’s agent.
So to avoid unsettling the current incumbent of The Blues’ mascot role, I thought I’d highlight the sterling job he is doing with another fascinating factfile –
• Moonchester is a blue alien, who hails from a blue moon.
• Man City mascot Moonchester is a keen fund-raiser and supports a number of charities.
• Moonchester is a mute.
• Moonchester works alongside a female blue alien called Moonbeam, but their relationship is strictly professional.

Unwanted XI

WHILE players like Ballack and Beckham can say they missed out on the World Cup due to injury, and players like Richard Dunne and Gareth Bale due to their teams failing to qualify, other top talents have not been so lucky.
Mad managers like Diego Maradona, Dunga and Raymond Domenech have been picking their provisional squads as they gear up for the tournament, and some unbelievably big names will be missing out.
So here’s Goaltastic’s Unwanted XI team of players not gracing South Africa, it’s amazing any manager wouldn’t want to field them –
GK – Robinson (Eng)
DEF – Zanetti (Arg), Paulo Henrique (Bra), Brown (Eng)
MID – Totti (Ita), Cambiasso (Arg), Ronaldinho (Bra), Senna (Spa)
ATK – Van Nistlerooy (Ned), Benzema (Fra), Adriano (Bra)