Copa load of my hair

WHAT a remarkable shave!
The Copa America tournament kicks off tomorrow, and to mark the occasion I have persuaded the WAG to shave me a Brazilian.
No, not like that.
Here’s the evidence of me looking like a player who is sure to be one of the stars of the show, Santos midfielder Neymar, who is thought to be on the verge of a big money move to one of a selection of European giants – with Chelsea, Real Madrid and Manchester City all rumoured to be bidding.
I must say I’m enjoying his trademark Mohican hairstyle, but then I’m yet to road-test it in public…

Poor Villas-Boas’s family hate him for joining Chelsea

NEW Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas should have stayed at Porto – that’s according to both his bank manager and his family.
When the Portuguese – who paid his own 15m Euro release clause in order to move to England – was asked about the amount Chelsea were paying him, he said: “I can assure you that Porto could beat that offer.
“They were ready to make a competitive offer for me to stay, but I took the challenge.”
In addition to the financial ‘hit’, he said that his own family were against the move.
He told reporters: “I’ve made some very difficult moves in my life. One of them was leaving a crazy salary at Inter Milan, as an assistant, to join the bottom club in Portugal, Academica.
“So I just felt it inside me that I should take the opportunity and the move.
“Against the will of everybody, against the will of my family, I took that.
“We have spent seven years moving around from London to Milan to Coimbra to Porto and now to London. This causes an emotional instability in any family.
“Let’s see if we’re speaking when I get back. Maybe my bags will be waiting for me at the door…”

Korean women blame loss on lightning strike

SHOCKING news from the Women’s World Cup – North Korea’s losing women claim they were hit by lightning during a training session.
North Korea coach Kwang Min Kim claims that some of his players were still recovering from being hit by lightning during training after his team lost 2-0 to America.
He said: “When we stayed in Pyongyang during training our players were hit by lightning, and more than five of them were hospitalised.
“Some stayed in hospital and then came to Germany later than the rest of us.
“The goalkeeper and the four defenders were most affected, and some midfielders as well. The physicians said the players were not capable of participating in the tournament.
“But World Cup football is the most important and significant event for a footballer, so they don’t want to think about anything but football.
“The fact that they played could be called abnormal, the result of very strong will.”
Okay, Goaltastic will allow him this excuse – it’s not like he can use it again, is it?

Varney on the move

BIRSTALL-born professional football Luke Varney is rumoured to be on the verge of a move to Portsmouth.
The Derby County forward, who started out his career with Quorn FC and played for Blackpool in the Premier League last season, is reported to be set for a £750,000 move to Championship club Pompey.

Naked footballer pics threat on Twitter

A MYSTERY Twitter user has threatened to post naked pictures of a host of Premier League stars.
The peeping tom claims to have captured dressing room photographs of virtually all the league’s big names.
So far compromising captures of Craig Bellamy and Joe Hart have been posted – and more have been threatened to follow.
The Twitter user told Manchester United’s Michael Owen he had filmed him in the shower, while Everton’s Phil Neville was informed he had been watched naked around 20 times.
In one post he said: “My perfect day was when I seen Joe Hart in the shower for the 1st time.”
Bellamy and Hart’s club Manchester City have had the account blocked, and police say they will investigate any complaints.

Rooney’s Glasto fight night

WAYNE Rooney may not have been on the pitch much over the past weekend but he still managed to notch an unenviable hat-trick while partying at Glastonbury festival – by reportedly getting into three scraps.
During Elbow’s Saturday night set – which by all accounts was not exactly rabble-rousing material – the Manchester United and England striker ended up getting into three seperate scuffles with drunken festival-goers heckling him and wife Coleen.
It was not all bad for Wayne though – he managed to fight his way onto the video screen backdrop for headliner Beyonce’s set at the Pyramid stage on Sunday.

Arsenal pole position to sign player with improbable hair

IVORY Coast international Gervinho is targeting a move away from Lille in France – and he has singled out Arsenal as a cut above.
The attack-minded midfielder became a cult figure at last summer’s World Cup, not for his playing skills – which landed him a man of the match award against Portugal – but for his incredible barnet.
The 23-year-old, a product of the footballing academy that trained Didier Drogba and the Toure brothers, sports two curtains of slicked-down dreadlocks atop his head, held down with a rubber band, which serve only to accentuate his enormous forehead and inch-wide bald patch along the parting.
Jeepers.
Lille president Michel Seydoux said: “I have spoken with Gervinho and he wants to play for Arsenal next season.
“This is clear but now we must get an agreement between the two clubs. We have maintained contact but still the Londoners have not presented us with a formal offer.
“Negotiations are ongoing but Gervinho has demanded a solution to the situation soon.”

Up for the Women’s World Cup

TODAY sees the Women’s World Cup kick off in Germany, and I’m genuinely excited.
Four years ago I remember observing the female form of a male-dominated game properly for the first time and being genuinely surprised and impressed with the quality of play on offer.
Often much more measured and tactical, it reminds of the Italian league at times.
So I cannot wait for Nigeria vs France to open up proceedings in Germany at 4pm – and please accept this as a genuine sentiment, it’s very hard to write this without sounding patronising or insulting to the sport, but I am expecting some thrilling football.
Let’s face it, the men’s example last summer didn’t set the bar exceptionally high…

Goldenballs opportunity at Spurs

DAVID Beckham could be in line for one last hurrah in the Premier League after leaving LA Galaxy, according to reports.
In today’s papers – under the headline End It Like Beckham – it is relayed that Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp is keen to land the 36-year-old former England international this November.
Goldenballs is keen to play on for two more seasons, and believes he can still merit a place in the England squad – and the place to prove this would be the top tier of English football.
Whether he could command a first team place at Spurs in the first place would be another matter…

Hearts take on the Mafia

NO, IT’S not a pre-season friendly fixture – tonight what I wager is one of the oddest statements ever to be released by a football club has gone up on Hearts’ website.
In the seemingly unprovoked outburst, the Scottish side has inferred that its attempts to break the Scottish Premier League duopoly have been thwarted by “the mafia” among other criminal activities.
The statement reads: “What’s happening with the club today is not a new thing. For almost 7 years we have been fighting to shield the club from crooks, criminals and thieves.
“Every year Hearts fights to be in the top 3, but even last season in the last 12 games of the season it was almost like someone replaced the team with a different one. Whose fault is that? Players? Manager’s? Or it is mafia.
“Stealing players, bad games, problems with the law – all of that on top of record SFA fines. Problems are just shifted to another level.
“Mafia are dragging kids into the crime, in order to blackmail and profit on them. It is not possible to separate these people from pedophiles, and you don’t need to do that. Each year we are forced to fight against these maniacs harder and harder. We are standing in their way not letting them manipulate the game of football in the way they want. As such they undermine us in every possible way they can.
“The task of the club is to tear these kids out of hands of criminals.”
Now Goaltastic cannot begin to imagine what is going on behind the scenes for a statement like that to be issued – but I would advise readers never to call the Mafia paedophiles.